Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
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Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.