[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
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Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
tinder is all about the long game
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
The dark side of Canada
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up