*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
You Might Also Like
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Ah yes. The three genders
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.