My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test