Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens