Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
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78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?