me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.