“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
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Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.