Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity