If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
You Might Also Like
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
my nickname in college
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Are you ok, human???
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.