Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
worst…sale…ever
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?