If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
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I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
congratulations to them
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Thursday Thought.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls