Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
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Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
79.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.