Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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My apathy is at an all time whatever.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
cat vs inanimate object
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined