*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
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Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I鈥檓 probably picking your pockets.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
You鈥檙e right, teenagers: We don鈥檛 know what you鈥檙e going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it鈥檚 Valentine鈥檚 Day now.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Me: sorry I鈥檓 late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don鈥檛 believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 馃樁
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
My shower gel is 拢1 but my washing up liquid is 拢2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can鈥檛 skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn鈥檛 give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes