#KarenAndTheCat 😉
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Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
same vibe as tangled headphones
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My apartment is a mess, I should move
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.