You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem