I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
A dead goose is called a ghoost
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
real
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”