Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
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Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Trying
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.