Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
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I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
#Caturday
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.