I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
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I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Steam Forums
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?