One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
An odd boast
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
we’re dead?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read