Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
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Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
live, laugh, laundry.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*