A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
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My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.