This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.