Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
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Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
For the orator and chef in all of us
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
@funTweeters
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.