Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
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I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots