Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
You Might Also Like
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Confused owl: What?!
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”