My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪