The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
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Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?