Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
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Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic