Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.