my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?