Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
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I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
My birthstone is kidney
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far