No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Autocarrot sucks!
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.