I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.