My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
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I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.