[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
You Might Also Like
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
So that’s what we looked like?
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.