[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
You Might Also Like
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
But that’s none of my business
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*