You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
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[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My wife gives the best headache.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Succinctly put.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?