you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
You Might Also Like
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]