When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
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My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business