Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down