Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
You Might Also Like
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Respect