[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
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I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Nice try, poison.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu