me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
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On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
(by @ZachWeiner )
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.