Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
You Might Also Like
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
not seeing the problem
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.