Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
You Might Also Like
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.