Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.