*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
They also CAN sing✌️
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.